I am not good enough – whatever I do, whatever I achieve I am not good enough.
This is the constant soundtrack to my life – the voice that I can never silence.
As a child I thought that academic success was the answer – that if I passed enough exams, if I was top of the class I would be happy. I realised that there would always be someone more intelligent, that I could not always be top.
Then I decided that I needed to be in control – other people could not diet – I could starve. But I could never fast for long enough – I would always let myself down – always end up eating. And still the voice would not stop.
And now in recovery there is still no peace. Part of me can acknowledge that I am not fat, that health is more important than self-imposed starvation. Yet every morning I wake up wishing I could fast. Hating myself and my weakness.
I know that the anorexic voice will always tell me I am out of control and the perfectionist will tell me that I am a failure. No accomplishment is good enough – the voice is never satisfied.
But I will never be perfect – we are human, not divine. In our lives we will never achieve perfection – but we can work to make ourselves and the world better.
And better is really good.