Almost six months into recovery – it is time to ask myself what is the point?

Because to be honest recovery – even though I am still in the very early stages and it is so much better than the alternative – is not enough. There has to be a point to living a healthier life. And having lost so much of my past to depression and eating disorders I cannot lose my future.

For so many years I was waiting to be thin for my life to start, then I was thin and the only thing that changed was the size of my jeans. Then I waited until I was no longer anorexic/bulimic and the years slipped away. Now I am waiting to be ‘well’ to be ‘normal’.

Life has to be more than checking that your skinny clothes still fit.

I am still postponing life and time is running out. Even when I pass a new cafe in my neighbourhood I think I will eat there when I am thin, when I am well. And then I will travel – volunteer – make friends – get a life.

So now I have to make plans that are not just about eating – but about living.

I have waited too long and lost too much.