I knew that there would be days like these – days when all the horror of the past returns and the future seems hopeless. When I slip back into all the destructive patterns and forget all the progress I have made.
It is important to remember this is only one day – I am trying to do the most difficult thing that anyone can do – to change myself.
I know what will happen if I fall back into old ways – they only bring pain. And I know that I can change – I know what works, now I just have to do it.
So tomorrow is a fresh start – the new behaviours, the new connections in my brain, the new behaviours – all need time and practise to grow stronger.
This is one bad day – it is not the rest of my life. I have had a glimpse of recovery and I know how good it feels.
And it has been yet another learning experience – I cannot behave in one way for more than 25 years and expect to change overnight – or even over 11 weeks and I must make my recovery my priority. Being well needs firm foundations and I am still building them.
I am a work in progress.