Today 27 June 2017 is my anniversary – six weeks without bingeing, fasting or purging. And this time I truly believe that I can overcome the eating disorder which has dominated my every waking hour for more than 30 years.
Is it difficult – hell yes – do I wake up every morning wanting to fast – am I scared – am I conscious of how far I have to go? Yes, yes and yes.
I fear that it has almost been too easy – I am waiting for things to go badly wrong. I have thrown out my ‘anorexic’ jeans, but still spend hours going through my wardrobe, trying on all my clothes – I do not really believe that I can still wear them now that I am no longer purging. I fear that one day I will wake up the size of a small house and all that fat will appear. And when I have a problem, a challenge my first instinct is to fast. Any appointment prompts me to speculate on how much weight I can lose.
I thought that I had dug deep in the past – that I had found all the reasons behind my problems – but only though truly facing the physical consequences of all these years of disordered eating has made me understand the strength of my illness. I have had to face up to some very unpalatable truths – about myself and my past – insight is painful, but only through this pain will I find freedom
So why do I believe that this time I will succeed? I know now that if I do not recover I will die or my existence will be so empty that it will not be worth living. I believe that I have something to contribute to the world. I acknowledge that there will be problems, but there is always another day – I will have to take small steps – not every experiment with food or life will work – whatever my weight I am not everyone will like me, I may not get my dream job – I will always have problems. All I will be is normal – but normal would be so good.